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Blogs By: Spike
| | How to Survive the Eastside of NYC in a traffic jam in the driving rain
Posted on 09/16/2008 by Spike
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So imagine this: You've just had your FIRST DAY OFF in 43 days. In fact, you've just had 5 consecutive days off, and you've spent your treasured time with your blooming romance in NC. 5 blissful days of vaca and now you're en route to KRF where a beach house full of Lost Boys and your much-missed boss await. You've been driving solo for 9 hours, you're finally hitting the George Washington Bridge.
Ahem: How to Survive the Eastside of NYC in a traffic jam in the driving rain:
1. Coo on the phone with your beau to illicit happy feelings. Giggle like a little girl. Talk about the hair cut you desperately want. Lament to your manchildfriend about the 15th traffic meltdown in which you've just arrived. Make sure to actually count the jams for accuracy. Make it a game.
2. Hang up the phone after making obligatory kissy noise into receiver and deal with the pudding-ed traffic and to avoid the shot at getting a shame-on-you-multi-tasking-ticket. Continue eating French fries while painting your piggies and rough drafting blogs about NYC traffic. When your phone chirps with the "you just wasted your battery with baby talk" noise, do not jump a foot, spill your fries and knock over the polish. Bad form.
3. Think up clever bumper stickers to pass the time. "I'm only speeding because I've got Pb poisoning." Meh. Lame at best.
4. What's that smell? Is it coming from your car? Check the gages. Uh oh! The temperature gage is climbing faster than a mountain goat on speed. Overheating in a traffic jam? Keep cool. Or rather, don't. Fact: full blast defrost on hot can sometimes bring the temp down on an overheating engine. The heat may be too much in the 90F big outdoors, so roll down a window. Yeah, it's raining. So what? A little water never hurt anyone. Except 32 people in Texas. Try and stay calm, after all, the car pile up can't last forever and you've got plenty of--
5. Check the gages more often. FEET? Is that a little foot symbol? As in, get out and walk? As in, you're almost out of gas you fool why didn't you pay attention? As in, Oh, crap! Low on fuel? Turn off things that will suck gas air conditioners, defrosters (uh oh), etc, and keep your speed under 55mph. Check.
6. Think up clever bumper stickers to pass the time. "I'm only speeding because I'm homophobic." Come on, that's next to brilliant.
7. While you're sitting still in the driving rain, progressively becoming more soaked, waiting for a miracle/seemingly inevitable mechanical breakdown, why not take in some sights from the comfort of your overheating, underfueled car? Squint through the torrential downpour to take in the not-so-distant horizon. Check out some of that famous New York architecture. Oh look, Projects.
8. Was that a gun shot? Avert your gaze post haste, look to the road and the not-moving traffic.
9. Face it, you're fracked. Out of gas, overheating, dead cell phone. Time to pump up your street cred and cowboy up your adrenaline. Locate the mixed CD with the meanest, most blatantly badass music you possess, and throw on the last track. Nod your head quietly to the beat while the straight forward lyrics transport you to a safe place,
"I don't give a f***!/ Not a single f***!/ Not a single solitary f***!/ Cuz I don't give a f***!" play the song on repeat 8 times, as traffic begins to crawl.
10. Stop chewing your nails. You're moving now, almost halfway through the city.
11. Stop chewing the skin around your nails. You might totally make it.
12. Think up clever bumper stickers to pass the time. "I'm only speeding because I'm wet and scared and trying to get airflow to my engine and make it to a gas station before my car dies and I have a heart attack and heart disease runs in my family so it's a real possibility at this point and I don't want to die in a meth bust. " Be honest with yourself. That would never fit on one sticker.
13. Stop chewing the bloody stubs where your nails used to be. You made it through the city!
14. Thank your maker for New Rochelle, and even allow yourself to laugh when the gas attendant tells you you've pulled into the self-serve island and "You'll have to pump your own gas." Honey, I'm from Michigan; it's all I know.
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| | Alaska Take Three!
Posted on 02/28/2008 by Spike
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So the first day of our Alaksa Adventure, take 3, was greatly influenced by the wind. 12 hours of travel and 4 time zones post birthday celebrations, we arrive in Anchorage, which is a lot like Michigan's weather, but with less sun. Exhausted, giddy, we are greeted at the airport by our favorite Alaskan, John, who grabs the van he's lending us while we grab our pieces of checked luggage (one of the connecting flights only allowed for one carry-on), loaded up, and shipped out to our show's venue, The Wildberry Theatre behind The Wildberry Chocolate Factory. So many samples, so little time.
.Sometimes I think about how the memory of people haunts me, and it gets me utterly depressed. Other times, and especially more recently, it makes me giggle with delight. Everywhere I look things, places, people, objects, remind me of people who aren't with me on this particular adventure. The "hello hydration" Herbal Essences shampoo in the guest shower, our host that answered the door in a brown uniform, the tall glass of water I had with dinner and the local amber ale that accompanied it, the reluctance of my wallet to willingly give up its contents for essentials- everything reminds me of people that are not here with me. Instead of getting nostalgic about it, however, the thought, as of late, invades my head and materializes into something just shy of concrete. Thinking brings the MIAs in the room with me, and suddenly, I'm hanging with a bunch of my favorite people. I imagine the group conversation with the ghost people's imput: what they would say, how they would say it, and sometimes, it even comes out of my mouth. Voila, instant friend, instantly there.which gets kind of awkward when I'm on the john.
So to all of you hanging out in my head, can I just say how lucky I am to have such great company. I'm lucky.
I have real friends too.
Seriously. Props to Isabella, Flip, and Flame, just because. =) |
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| | Run for the Border...
Posted on 09/06/2007 by Spike
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So in contrast with last week's adventure...
I was xing into Canada. Had the ole passport open and ready. The guard didn't even look up at me.
"And where do you live?"
Spike: Michigan
"And what's your business in Cananda?"
Spike: Passing through
"Have a nice trip."
Spike: ((seriously?)) Thank you? |
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| | Fruit vs. Customs
Posted on 09/04/2007 by Spike
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SO... (Insert apology for lack of blogging here) ... I'm crossing the border into the US, having dropped off Luna at the airport, the rig at Rachel Peters, and my garbage into the proper duty-free provided receptacle.
Rewind to Orangeville: the gig Luna, Trixie (new Angel! catch her at KRF in Boston) and I have just come from, where the weather was hot, bright, and tornado. Fire was impossible. Silk was unsafe. But the client took care of us. We had a beautiful camper with a working bathroom as our private backstage area. The third day we discovered the trailer had air, the second day we were showered with our amenities, and the first day we bought our own desirables, so food and comfort wise, we were set. Eight boxes of granola bars, two dozen bananas, oranges, nectarines, and a plethora of mixed nuts later, I'm driving 'cross border with leftover contraband fruit.
US Customs asks me if I want to declare anything. "No," says the voice inside my heart. "The fruit is sitting on your front seat, idiot. He can totally see it." Interjects the voice inside my head.
"Crap." Says the voice inside my mouth.
CO: Pardon?
Spike: Sorry? ((crap again! i just sounded canadian!))
CO: Anything to declare?
Spike: I have some bananas and nectarines. ((hold them so he can see))
CO: Ok, Miss, ((he scribbles on a pad)) go right on over to the waving man.
Spike: Thank you. ((I$*&*@!!))
Spike: ((to the waving man)) You have my passport, right?
WM: Yes. You have some fruit?
Spike: Yes. Here it is. ((hand him the nectarines, peaches and bananas))
WM: These are all fine.
Spike: Oh, good.
WM: Step out of the car ma'am.
Spike: Yes sir, officer ((H($&(*&!!))
WM: ((searches through food bag)) What have we here? Citrus is illegal. ((If he were David Caruso, that would have gone, "What have we here? (pause) Citrus (pause, put on shades) is illegal (walk out of frame).))
Spike: Sir, I'm really sorry. I thought I ate that orange. ((It is here that catch sight of myself for the for the first time in my reflection off the driver side window. I am wearing my impulse-induced, earlier-that-day purchased tiara that I forgot to take off before the bridge. I realize I'm done for.))
WM: Ma'am, please step to the other side of the steel table. ((He points at me, and then the table.))
Spike: Absolutely ((I move quickly to the far side of the table. The officer watches me the whole time, and once he is satisfied with the physical distance and obstacles between us, with his sanitary-gloved hand he places the offensive piece of fruit in a black container and furiously writes something on his clipboard. He rummages through my car, spending a long time staring at nothing in the front seat, finally popping his head up for air to say...))
WM: I need to pop your trunk.
Spike: ((internal cussing of great magnitude)) It doesn't pop.
WM: I beg your pardon?
Spike: You need to use the key.
WM: Oh. ((he opens the trunk. please please please for the love of everything holy let him not unpack my trunk. let him not find the straitjacket and the fire torches and the show props and "giveaways" and the five boxes of canadian printed carabineers thank you joanne and the shopping bags full of new cheap clothes)) Holy Cow! How long did you say you were going to be in Buffalo, Buffalo, beautiful Buffalo (seriously!) for?
Spike: A few days, to visit a friend... Then back to Michigan, then back to Boston.. I'm trying to figure out where I want to move.
WM: I've got a daughter who is 21. She packs for the weekend like it was a week.
After comparing me to his daughter he let me go. Thank you, customs.
Moral: Don't cross your fruits with you waving mans. |
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| | Oh, Toronto Nothing Punny.
Posted on 02/17/2007 by Spike
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So Isabella and I have journeyed to our neighbor to the North to "audition" before Ag Fairs of Ontario. Once again we got stopped at the border, but it was a relatively painless visit. We're getting to know the border office officers, and they are starting to recognize us; we walked in and it was like we were on Cheers - Heeeeey!
The showcase went swimmingly after another difficult set-up with the rig not fitting at full height under the not-quite-24-ft ceiling of the ballroom at the Royal York. We were the only variety act in a sea of Country and Blue Grass Bands, all of which sounded a bit muffled due to the unfortunate acoustics of the room. Enter 2 chicks in spandex, going on 5th out of 6.
We later heard from the fairs that everyone sat up in their seats, all eyes were forward, all mouths dumbfounded in smiles of wonderment. I'm not exaggerating.
The city of Toronto, however, has not been so kind. It has been withholding food from our hungry bellies, with everything closing when it should be opening. The world has gone amuck. I came, I saw, I went home hungry. |
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| | Strange Dream - The adventures of Super Spike-
I had a very peculiar dream last night involving a New Years Eve gig in a big city and some has-been actress going to maybe or maybe not blow up a part of the city. I happened to be in the room where she was recording
| 02/13/2007 | | | Chiggers! - I have chiggers.
Many of you may be wondering, "what the heck is that?" and so, I, the wikipedia informed Spike, a victim of supreme discomfort and master of all matters relating to the current plague, shall educate you.
Chiggers are little red bug
| 11/17/2006 | | | Arrested Development, anyone? (or, the curse continues...) - So we are staying in the Model Home of the new CENTRAL PARK Condominiums. In two of the model homes, actually. I feel like we're on arrested development. We have this great flat screen TV. It only gets the nature channel and never turns off. Also, no
| 11/04/2006 | | | All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. - All work and no play make Spike a dull spike. All work and no play make Jack a dull rhino. Spike and Lady found themselves. They were lost on super underground Gov't property. Just searching for a Walmart. Spike, Lady, and Isabella covered themselves
| 10/28/2006 | | | Return of the Sunshine King or Sing for Your Supper - Today Lady, Isabella and I went "down to the docks" and ate fire for fishermen in exchange for soft shell crabs.
It rocked.
So did the crab. Yum.
| 10/19/2006 | | | Big Fun in the Big Apple - Thank you, Heathers fans.
So Lady, Isabella & I made a trip into Manhattan yesterday - and what a glorious day it was! Sunny, warm, a slight breeze blowing through my braided hair (guess who has SAD?) and an excellent day for gathering show supplie
| 10/19/2006 | | | My Life as a Rennie - So the van - yeah, the van - I've been sleeping in in Maryland is in for surgery. Remind me to send flowers. Here's hopin the car doc takes pity on Moby Dick and gives the inside a facelift - maybe supercharges the electric blankets so that next w
| 10/17/2006 | | | That is it! I've had it with these mo' fo' aerialists on this mo' fo' plane! - Alaska is.... cold. And beautiful and breathtaking. But mostly cold. Lady had the unfortunate luck of receiving the weather report for San Antonio instead of Anchorage, so she has it the worst as far as street clothes go. (How's that sarong working o
| 08/27/2006 | | | Sanctuar-- LOOK OUT! WEG! Something! MOVE!! - Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Yesterday was the first day of the Villach festival. The town is lovely, and walking distance never was a truer phrase.
Before I go into the details which title this blog, I d like to take an excursion down the 'what the he
| 7/25/2006 | | | Spike vs. the Jellyfish - Friday, July 21, 2006
So one of our last days in Italy, Luna and I journeyed to Pisa to find a beach. Find one we did, and it was absolutely lovely! Bathing suit optional, though most people were covered; clear, green, calm, warm, salty waters; a
| 7/21/2006 | | | Is that a discotech in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? - Well, we had a bit of trouble with our rental car. And while I'm not sure what I am allowed to say, I know that I can assure you that the tragedy injured the faux-UV alone.
On the bright side, it is more airy, and we can now appreciate the landscape
| 07/14/2006 | | | Theatre is alive and well and living in Italy! - So, getting to Italy was an adventure in itself. Mountains, construction, misdirections, a faux-UV that doesn't like us, or the road... But we arrived in Certaldo just in time to miss our first performance!
So we walked around the festival site inst
| 07/13/2006 | | | Return of the Angel - I love performing in Belgium! They give you beer, take you by the hand and guilt everyone into giving more $$ (thank you, Chris!) and trade kisses and photos for clothes (ask me about my hat)!
I must go now, as they have prepared for us a special
| 07/09/2006 | | | The quick and easy - My Recap:
Plane ride: fairly pleasant, if screaming babies is your idea of heaven...Thank goodness for in flight entertainment and I pod nanos.
Amsterdam: expensive like whoa. I blew 150 Euro in 2 days. Van Gogh exhibit = not as good as the one i
| 07/09/2006 | | | Brockville Teaser... more to come... - Random Luna quote:
"Nature's cool!
I just wish it wasn't so alive."
| 06/27/2006 | | | Spike's St. Louis Adventure - This will consist of a list of things, which may be nonsensical, but must needs be documented for all access via electronic magnificence regardless of their possibly seeming "inside" quality:
During the last weekend of the St. Louis Fair...
...I wa
| 06/27/2006 | | | Yellow Springs = fun, cold, wet times - Yellow Springs: I will never get over how welcoming and kind this community is. Just like last year, the day of the artsy town street fair was filled with overcast skies, lots of rain, and tons of nice people. This year, however, the rain was FREE
| 06/14/2006 | | | Rainy Days and Mondays... You know the rest... - Dundas (Dunn dASS, as pronounced by the locals) experienced hardship and sorrow as the second half of the day bawled soggy cold buckets of H2O which rained out nearly all the acts and drove the patrons away in hordes.
But for those die-hard fans, th
| 06/03/2006 | | | Spike's Serenade - In my peaceful dreamland of the morning I heard angels singing, calling my name. So peculiar was their song, that Brecht himself would have been proud of the jarring effect it produced, because it shook me out of my slumber.
As I lie awake in my bed
| 05/31/2006 | | | Candy, Kisses, Bondage. Or, Why I Hate Chicago - Sometime remind me to tell you about the time Memorial Day Weekend that
1) The Angels performed with a guest star, the amazing Ruby (an adorable girl who was inspired by the Aerial Angels to go into circus training. She performed her cloud swing rou
| 05/31/2006 | | | Remember escaping from a straitjacket? It was tough, but funny. - Today was a fun-filled, action-packed day!
After a little practice with toxic fuel, Star successfully participated in the three girl tongue to tongue to tongue transfer. It is exciting to know that the Aerial Angels are the ONLY act who do this tric
| 05/29/2006 | | | What a Drag. Oh, I'm punny! - Tuesday, May 16, 2006
So last night after work, we walked from one side of Duvall to the other: from the Gulf to the Atlantic, to find that the Moonlight Madness party that Isabella and I had scoped out a few days prior was, regrettably, a bust.
T
| 05/16/2006 | | | Oh, look. There's fish. - Today was a fun filled day of excitement and terror, which are often interchangeable! Rising at an early hour, we slathered ourselves in sunscreen and bathing suits, grabbed the self-contained grocery store out of the hotel room fridge, and headed fo
| 05/15/2006 | | | Spike's Important Lesson - It was delicious to step out of the car a few days ago and discover it was Florida outside. After a resting day and a half at Isabellas mums house we were on our way to our most South destination yet: Key West, which brings me to the present, which i
| 05/10/2006 | | | Flat Knows Flats - On our way to Florida! And what a sunny day for a flat tire 45 minutes out of Kalamazoo Luckily Im not only a demolition expert, a Bachelor of Arts, and lethal maker of salsa (say salza to get it right), but I am also a whiz with flats. So with the a
| 05/08/2006 |
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